My world's been turned upside-down, how do I deal with it?
If you have recently been suffering from loss, illness, or a significant unexpected change, the following 3 tips can help you reflect on where you're at and what you need, both now and in the longer term.
1. Work out where your head is at
We all process major change in different ways. You could be feeling a number of emotions, and that's OK. You may have plunged into frustration and depression; you may have come through that and started exploring how to operate with your new situation. You may still be in the denial phase, believing you have accepted the impact of your situation but in fact not having even started to process it. The model below shows the stages you will pass through. We may spend different amounts of time in each stage, but we will go through them all. Be honest, ask yourself how you're feeling right now, and use the answer to work out which stage you are at on the change curve :
Shock & Denial - I tell myself, “I’m fine, I’ve accepted this”, but underneath I am hoping the impacts won’t happen and I can go back to how things were before.
Frustration - I feel really cross with myself. Why can’t I adapt? Other people adapt to these types of situations, while I feel stupid and ineffective.
Depression - I am starting to face up to the fact that things are not going to be the same as before. I feel doubtful, confused and uncertain.
Experiment - I am starting to accept the change. I focus less on what has been lost; I am starting to feel open to trying out different tactics in this new world. I am creating and testing approaches, finding out what works and what doesn’t work.
Decision and Integration - I am starting to feel I’m getting the hang of working in new ways. These new ways are starting to feel normal, routine, the status quo.
2. Identify what you need right now
The phase you are in (step 1 above) defines what you need:
Denial or Frustration - Someone to listen and empathise, someone you can let off steam to, who will not advise you or try to fix things.
Depression - Someone to help you set your direction, define your priorities and clarify your tasks.
Experiment - Someone to support and encourage you to experiment, to help you work out what you might trial. To keep you focussed on the positives and to empathise when you slip back into the depression phase.
Decision - This is a good place to be! Keep seeking support to help you evaluate how things are going, reflect on what you have learnt, keep developing yourself and continuously improving your ways of working.
3. Ask for what you need
Don’t expect your manager, friends or family to be psychic and give you what you need. They are human, and they may find it uncomfortable to ask you what you need. Find a way to make your request clearly and assertively, eg for a space to sound-off, support with prioritising, help with making a decision, or to jointly brainstorm new ways of working.
Who feels like the best person to ask right now? Your manager, a mentor, peer, relative, trusted friend or coach?
How can you use this model to apply to your current situation? Acknowledging your unique situation and challenges, while experimenting with breathing exercises and mindfulness, can help you to live with the uncertainty, be gentle with yourself and focus on what is possible today.
